Pandemic Humor from One Aspie's Viewpoint
Hello! My name is Sapphire, and I have Asperger's, better known today as "Limited Needs Autism". Although, whoever named it "limited needs" clearly didn't know any real person with Asperger's. Most of my friends tell me I am the neediest person they know.
They say those of us with Autism share a special kind of humor. And, we share, and we share, and we share, while you edge further away, nervously trying to excuse yourself, and inching backward slowly, hoping we don't notice that you're now almost 20 feet away. Which means we get to find the funny in that too. So, we can share it, and share it, and share it.
Now, here's a little Aspie Pandemic humor. Don't try to leave before reading it, though, because we still see you, even if we aren't looking in your direction.
You Should See Us Now Grandma!
By Sapphire Ima Noying
Dear Grandma Eileen;
We sure do miss you down here, but I hope you are having fun up there in Heaven.
You would never believe what it is like down here on Earth now!
We are having a Pandemic. It is called Covid 19, and people all over the world wear masks now and stay 6 feet apart. You should see the ladies in the woman’s group trying to gossip while 6 feet apart! There aren’t any secrets anymore!
We even have to stand on little dots on the floor that are 6 feet apart when we stand in line at the store. You used to say that some of the adults you knew acted like kindergarteners. Now they look like they are in kindergarten too!
It would look so strange to you seeing all those people with their masks on. We all have to smile with our eyes now. Did you know people can smile with their eyes Grandma? Do you see me smiling Grandma?
Me, I think the masks are pretty cool. After I get the mask, hat, and glasses on, no one knows it’s me, and I bet you can imagine what fun THAT can be!
Last year, we had to stay home for months, and almost everything was cancelled. It was okay, though, because we didn’t miss a thing. We had our own fair making crafts for the wildlife to see, our own autumn festival with a hayride on the farm, and we even went swimming in our own mini lake. The cow trough was a little bit too small for a paddle boat, though!
I go to homeschool online now. That means my teachers are all in my living room every day. Wouldn’t you have loved to entertain all of my teachers in your living room every day Grandma? I know you always say to offer guests a cookie, but I couldn’t figure out how to get them through the screen! I certainly tried, though.
Remember when you predicted that people would carry their phones everywhere? It is like that now. Everyone has a phone with them. Which means the bill collectors go with you everywhere, night and day! Why, we're on a first name basis. We're the best of buds. They call every day just to touch base with me!
We have virtual living now, Grandma. I bought a house without leaving my livingroom the other day. Can you believe that Grandma? I bought it online, which means that I sat in front of a thing that looks like a picture frame and looked through it from my desk in Tennessee all the way to the house in Pennsylvania. I saw the whole house, the yard, and even the neighborhood without moving an inch. Now, I'm a resident of Pennsylvania without even leaving Tennessee. How cool is that, Grandma?
There is fake meat in the grocery store now Grandma. It looks like meat, but it sure doesn’t taste like it. The dog didn’t think so either. He said it was "Beyond Belief" when he barfed it up on the rug!
Do you know what Google is Grandma? Google knows everything, just like you. You ask it a question, and it tells you the answer. It also runs the vacuum, mops the floor, turns off the lights, bakes dinner, changes the cat box and sings lullabies at bedtime. Don’t worry though, Grandma, Google could never replace you!
Google looks terrible in an apron!
…and it doesn’t give good hugs like yours either Grandma!
Well, I better go for now. I love you Grandma!
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